Let's face it, World. Panhandling has become bigger than ever with the baby boomer generation. But can you blame them? For two hours of begging in the right area, you can make the equivalent of 9 hours of minimum wage work. These people are living the dream on a 14 hour work week. Panhandling isn't for everyone, but it can be for you. These are a few of my tips and tricks to take your panhandling skills to the next level from my new, soon-to-be-hit book, The Fourteen Hour Work Week.
Tip #1: Be a Peacock in a World Full of Pigeons
A lot of pickup artists will tell you that peacocking, or altering your appearance in a flashy or flamboyant way, is what helps them to stand out from the Average Joe. In the world of panhandling, the more eyes you can catch, the more dollars you'll find in your hat, bag, or tiny box. No one wants to be that boring, old, dirty hobo on the side of the road begging for change. Hell No! You want to be that old, dirty hobo on the side of the road sporting a badass gallon jug hat and making bank. When people see that hat on you, they will know that you mean business and will probably tell their friends. People love to tell others that they did a good deed, but more than that, they love telling a decent story while lowkey bragging. Giving money to a homeless person in a gallon-sized cowboy hat fits that criteria. If you don't like hats, try to give wacky ties a go, or sport an eye patch. Your outfit is essentially your calling card. Do not skimp on it. Try going down to your local thrift shop and look for items that shout "Hello world! I can't take care of myself!"
Tip #2: Beggars, State your Plight!
No professional panhandler would be complete without his/her makeshift sign stating the reason they have found themselves in their current predicament. Think of your sign as an epitaph on a tombstone: 90% percent of the people who walk by won't read it. So when they do, you want to have something that's going to draw them in. I once earned $200 in an hour with a sign that read "A wild goat has stolen my best crops from the harvest. Need $$$$ for revenge." Those who read my sign wanted to know more about this wily goat and I was happy to tell them, for some coin. You may also choose to go with the honest approach. Most people are tired of others trying to con them out of their things, and are more likely to give you what you want if you simply ask for it. For instance, every Thursday night, I like to go on a drinking binge and wrestle other beggars for the rights to prime panhandling locales. So usually my sign will read something along the lines of "Need liquid courage for the homeless turf war tonight." If you want to leave a low environmental impact on the planet and have the ability to change your message based on groups walking by, check out this great product!
Tip #3: Follow the Guidance of Bhikshtana
You've probably heard of Bhikshtana, the Hindu Beggar God, once or twice. A giant, nude, Goro-from-Mortal-Combat-looking man, covered in trinkets, begging bowl in hand, and is followed by demons and broken-hearted women. But did you know that Bhikshtana would also hook up with the wives of the men who would give him alms? Did you also know that when said men whose wives he had freshly copulated with would try to confront him, he had no problem beating them down. Bhikshtana teaches us two things: First, a beggar owes the world nothing, especially the ones who have already given you something. Second, a beggar must always know how to defend himself. It's a dangerous world out there, and if you're out there alone with a fat stack of cash in your pocket from a hard two hours of begging, you are going to be a target. Take some of that hard earned cash and sign up for a boxing lesson or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.
Tip #4: Make Empathy your Bitch
To save you a lot of time, I'll cut to the chase. People are more willing to give you money if you have a cute pet or small child. But which one should you get? The types of pets that will get you the most cash must be able to generate some kind of emotion in people. I highly recommend a pet with hands, that can go forth and let people put the cash in their palms. Monkeys, trash pandas, and brown bears are all good options. By the way, if you are looking for a pre-trained, top notch trash panda, I highly recommend Randolph's Raccoons and Other Sundry Small Animals, located off of I-90 in the southern hills of Northern Louisiana. If you can't afford a pre-trained raccoon, channel your inner Pokémon master and catch one! One untrained trash panda is still better than none at all. Don't be worried if all you have is a basic bitch cat or dog as your begging buddy. Simply equip them with some killer shades and tell people that they are blind. Not many could turn a blind eye to Stevie the Wonder Dog.
If you want to learn more about the beggar life, check out my new book, The Fourteen Hour Work Week, in stores soon. This article was made possible by FunnyPartyHats. Great for panhandling, breaking the ice on your first date, or fighting crime!